Suicide: An Open Letter

Dear You,

      Tonight I sit alone, listening to a song by one of my most favorite musicians; 'Why', by Rascal Flatts. My heart and mind are heavy tonight...as suicide has hit close to home recently. All day I've toyed with the words that I would write tonight, in hopes of reaching out to those who are hurting. To those who have been "broken down", and feeling like you are less than half of what you were meant to be. I've been there.

I've laid in my bed wondering what the point was. I've felt the cloud surround me and grow darker as the moments passed by. I've looked into the eyes of those closest to me and wonder, "What am I even bringing to your life, that makes it better?" I've been there when I've lost myself in a daydream of "what would life be like if I just ended it now?"

I've even considered going through the motions of just being completely done. I've hated myself so much that I didn't feel worthy of being here anymore.

It's a dark place, and some days my mind likes to float over that valley that took so long to dig myself out of. I don't allow myself to settle there anymore. As I sit here and watch people or circumstances play with my emotions, and  treat me as less than I know I deserve, I still don't allow them to win. It's hard. It'll never be easy.

I won't preach to you saying that Jesus is here for you...you're never alone. I can't tell you that you should find God and let him be the one you lean on when the days get so dark even a flashlight won't pierce the night. I can't. Why? Because I'm still sorting that out myself.


There are also plenty of hotlines out there that can also give some amazing information.

This life is not easy, in fact for many of us...it's a daily struggle. But, it's worth it to be here, we are destined for amazing things. If you're like me, it just takes a bit more of a drive to find your purpose and destination. Please reach out.


You are special, you are unique, and you are important to the mission of a gracious life. You're loved, and wanted. Please never think otherwise, and if you find yourself thinking differently, reach out to to someone...evening commenting to me here on the blog. I can listen.


With love,
Sarah

Theme of the Year: EDUCATION

This year I'm trying to have a theme year. 2017 is my year of Education. Did you guys know about this thing called the internet? It's amazing! So much FREE or cheap education. Even off the internet I am finding resources to help me become better educated and more worldly.

I'm exciting to explore the world around me and soak up anything that I can learn on my own. For example: below are the following things I'm planning in 2017.


1) Writing: Sure, I can write a decent story. I've already done so and you'll get to see it later this year. I'm super excited about this. However, I'm not arrogant and know that educating myself further for my writing is a key essential thing to have in my life. Groupon had this amazing offer for a writing course online. For less than a tank of gas I signed up for a 14 module writing course that teaches (with quizzes and a certificate at the end) the key concepts of writing: character, plot, genre's and so much more. Excited to see how much this helps with my writing!

2) Dance Fitness Certification: Crazzzy!!! I'm so excited about this. I'm not very coordinated with using my hands and feet at the same time...don't even think about trying to be sexy doing it...so this is something I'm working on. I love working out. It helps the mind in soooooo many ways. Dancing is something I am big on as well, it's so much fun and so good for the body. I'm going to practice the videos (I signed up for the Red Hot Fitness program online.....7 days....7 videos). Once I feel like I've mastered that, then I'll sign up for to become a certified teacher/dance fitness instructor. This will not only benefit my body, BUT, will be good side income once we leave military life in 6 years!

3) Mommy Road Trip: This Summer I am planning an awesome mommy road trip to NC. As a hobby photographer, I LOVE taking pictures; especially outdoors. Researching, I have found an amazing hiking trail with a few waterfalls that are calling my name.

Hint: I'm going to the Arena. :D Eeeek!!!! *jumps up and down like an fanatic!*


I'm rediscovering myself thanks to a few special people in my life. I feel like I've been asleep for years and years and a simple incident has awoken the true passion in me that shouldn't be stuck in a corner of my soul. "Nobody puts Baby in the Corner".....aahhahahaha...I know cheesy....but true!

Embrace who you are, even if you have no clue who that is right now....find her/ or him. Let them out and encourage them. You'll be better for it.

From Home-school to a Dolphin

I just love dolphins. They have to be my favorite animals of all time. I've recently found an organization where we could even adopt a dolphin. No! Not actually keep it here at home like a goldfish, though that would be SO cool! But, for just $40/yr we could help protect a dolphin. You can find more information Here!. ** I get nothing from The Oceanic Society for this post* This may be a project that K and I do together this year.

Not only am I Mama, I have also been home-schooling my daughter for roughly the past year. We've mainly been letting K "un-school" or do child-led schooling, and it's gone well. She's smart, creative and I love her every day even more because of her creativity. However, with a 2 yr old brother who puts the fine line definition in "terrible two's", I'm finding that I can't compete with the governments stupid, ridiculous standardized testing. Kindergarten was easy to teach because I wasn't required to test K at the end of the year. But, this year...the tests are staring me in the face, laughing at me, screaming "you can't win with us"....(maybe that screaming is my two year old...who knows), so because of our recent move (new district....yay!!!!), K and I have decided that she's going to finish out the year AND do 2nd grade in public school.

Public school: that's where the dolphin comes into play. It's the new school's mascot!!!! Fate right??!!? After CAREFUL research, a non-creepy drive by, and an email with the ACTUAL principal (not just one of the lackey's like they did at the last school), we submitted paperwork and K begins her journey as a dolphin on Monday (weather permitting. Ugh! Snow). We're so excited! Monday, we were told to go in early so we can get a quick tour of the school, meet the teacher, and get K settled (also something NOT done at the other school). Already got the positive points and she hasn't even started yet!

I battled with myself about this change. Since she began her school career, we've tried both Kindergarten and First grade in public school and things just didn't work out. While any mother wants things to be perfect for her baby, it's not always the case. I just want my daughter (and my son) to be treated as something more than a number. People say, "well there are so many children in the schools, it's hard to individualize them", FALSE...that's laziness to me. There are ways to treat kids like they MEAN something more than just test scores. It's all about finding your heart.

Things have changed since the 90s...teachers are now so super stressed because of the new testing crap, that it's like their creativeness has been sucked out of them (I totally don't fault our teachers of course), and kids become just numbers or reading group colors.

*Hops off soap box* As a Mama, you have to make decisions that may come back to bite you in the booty, and not in the fun way. Praying this new school works out and that my baby can get not only a fun education but can also make friends and learn even more than what I'm going to be teaching her at home! Oh yeah! That's right. I'm totally still going to teach her things here at home. Sewing, Cooking, and More!

Have a great day everyone!

Remember to smile this month....it's a new year....positive thinking makes a huge difference!

~Sarah~

Why This?

I've attempted a blog each year and end up losing the log-in information or better yet; I let the lack of readers prevent me from posting. Well, it's a new year and time to knock all that crap off. This blog is for anyone who wants to read it, but most importantly; for myself.  

As a reflection of my day to day. As the blog title suggests, I'm a Mama! My kids mean so very much to me and I constantly think about their happiness and how I'm screwing it up. That's right! I wouldn't give myself the best mom award (if there was even such a thing). My kids sit in front of the TV daily...(but they also color, play, and most shows are educational). My kids don't always get a bedtime story at night (though I do want to change this).

I'm at a point in my life where I'm trying to find balance. 2016 was a rough year for me. I realized things about certain aspects of my life that literally slapped me in the face. A rude awakening of sorts, and it made me realize how much I've been wasting my life away by "just being a wife and mom". Before you jump on my back about that comment: I know that being a wife and mother should be the most full-filling thing ever. 

However, it's not. Maybe to some people and I applaud those whose lives revolve around their families. But, that's not me. They are at the very top, but I'm more than just a wife and mom.

I hope that this year I can do things for myself that will end up being for the best for those special people in my life. What are those things? I have no clue!

I recently saw a quote that said: "Set goals and accomplish them in silence". Doing something worthwhile with your life should be for YOU. Not for anyone else or praise but for yourself. If it benefits others, then great! Let your success show through your actions, not your announcements! It's my motto this year and I can't wait to see (for myself) how my life will change this year.

Bring on 2017: I'm Ready!

Dance of a Passionate Mama is my new blog name and so I decided to change the Instagram to it as well. I believe that Life is a Dance. Sometimes you dance alone, sometimes you step on toes. Sometimes it goes fast, sometimes it's a crazy slow number. Sometimes you try something new, and Fall or rise above and conquer. This year I'm choosing to view my life as one incredible dance and I cannot wait to see the outcome of this year's number. #2017 #life #love #dreams #inspiration

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