Sunday, April 30, 2017

Things I've Learned....

I've just come from doing a new bedtime routine with my kiddos. God, how did I get so lucky with two forgiving children such as those? I don't deserve them...but I'm feeling so blessed that I get to be their mother.

I wanted to take the next 7 months to really channel my thoughts, feelings and everything else thrown my way...because I know change needs to become a part of my life. Especially after this past year, change is important. I've been discovering what I want out of my life, who I am; even though that mold still isn't much clearer than it was yesterday, and honestly, what I deserve.

I try not to come across as a selfish person, I even feel guilty when I think even a moment about myself. That's one of the many things I've started to learn though.....so let me lay it out. If you read this, you're an angel already....this blog is my personal reflections....back in the 80's journals such as these had fancy locks and were considered sacred....now...I hope they reach someone who just needs to hear that someone else is going through something similar. If that's you, then thank you for reading. <3 I hope these reflections help.

Things I've Learned: 

* Thinking about yourself isn't selfish. No matter what anyone else says, in order for you to be the BEST for someone else (a loved one, a stranger, etc), you have to take care of yourself. Mind, Body, and even Spirit. You can't give your best to someone else, if you aren't at least trying to bring the best out of yourself.

* I'm not the Judge. None of us are put on this Earth to judge others. This is a hard lesson for me, and one that I may never fully master. It goes along with never judging a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes. Lately, I've been feeling ignored. I'm not one to give up on someone, but I do feel there comes a point where I feel like maybe I'm being annoying, and the person or people simply don't want to or know how to speak up and say...."hey, give me room to breath." I'll admit, I've gotten my feelings severely hurt by this because of my caring nature. Unless someone flat out says, "Hey, I appreciate your care and concern, but I just need a bit to myself. Thank you for being here, but I need some time," then I will always in my nature want to check in. It's almost like a force that I can't really control.

Example: There is a special family member that I've had MANY ups and downs with. I know that my actions from my past have hurt her horribly. I'm just as guilty as ignoring as she is. I've reached out a few times saying..."I'd love to talk, if you're interested." I won't give up though, because if someone really means something to you...you won't ever give up on them. One day I hope she sees my message as a sign of an offer of apology and will reach out. Until then, I'll be here....waiting. People deal with things in their own ways, and who am I to judge how they do that?


* The cycle doesn't have to continue. Recently I took my mom self to the movies and watched, "The Shack". One message I got from that movie was that not only am I not the Judge, but how people act stems from their past. We fight so much to keep the past behind us, where it belongs that we sometimes forget that it's so easy to allow it to leak into our present and become our future. The cycle can end with you. Or in my case, with me. Growing up I felt like I didn't have very supportive parents. At least, growing up they didn't seem supportive.

Example: I remember clearly staying after school one year in High School to try out for the Flag Corp. The girls/people who twirled the flags at Football games. I don't have many talents and I was excited about doing this. I wasn't given the support that I envisioned I should have gotten, nor to the level that I would give my own daughter should she choose something like that. Instead of getting, "I know you can do this, put your mind to it....practice and know you got this," I believe I got a, "I'll pick you up at 5:30 pm". When I came home that day complaining about how bad the mosquito's were, I was told, "either suck it up or don't go back," and that was the end of that. I never tried out for another activity again. Some days I see the cycle leaking into my own daughter's life. The hurtful words that come out before I can even stop them from lashing out. I'm learning to try and stop the cycle. It ends with me. I don't want my daughter to grow up and repeat my mistakes...including the things I've said to her.



This blog post may need to be in parts....I'm a writer so the words pour out....so I'll end this post here. Life has a funny way of sliding in daily reminders and lessons without realization, and it takes just one moment to realize you need to stop and listen.


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