With all of the attacks happening around our world today, it's hard to stand strong and walk forward...but we have no choice. Over the last year, I've had to take a hard look at my own life. Where I came from, how that define's me today, and if I want it to be what brings me into my future. One thing I've realized is that I am beyond every means possible just flat out exhausted.
* I'm exhausted trying to please other people. Worrying about if anything I say, or how I say it will hurt their feelings, or make them question their relationship (friend or family) with me. I'm tired.
* I'm exhausted thinking so much about other people's happiness so much so that I've allowed my own to fall and I've turned into a negative person. I'm tired.
* I'm exhausted trying to make things work to everyone else's picture perfect version of myself that I almost have forgotten who I am. I'm tired.
For those of you who don't know me, or who have recently started following the blog...I lost my birth mother 3 years ago. Her death changed my life in more ways than I could have ever imagined. It was tragic. That bastard Cancer swooped in, covered her body in Cancer so much so we still don't know which one actually killed her. She was diagnosed on April 7th, 2014...and in the early hours of May 24th, 2014 (a month and 17 days later) I used a stethoscope and heard the final thump of her heartbeat.
What you also might not know about me is, my birth mom didn't raise me. In a weird twist of fate, my dad got custody of my brother and me when we were toddlers. I love my dad and respect him so much, but growing up without the mother who gave you life? That's tough. I held onto years of resentment, bitterness, and hatred because I felt she didn't fight for me. I felt abandoned and it left me with issues that still affect me to this day.
I learned that final month I got to spend with her (very lucky for that btw...) that she lived her ENTIRE life depressed. I learned that she was SO strong because she didn't allow that to take away from the bit of happiness that did come her way. She did live to please other people, I'm like her in a sense that way because when someone entered her life, she loved...be it a friend, loved one, stranger...you meant something to her.
With her death though, I learned in the toughest way possible how short life really is. Before she died, we talked, made amends, we had begun to build a relationship. Then, she got sick and went down quickly. It's been three years and I'm still gasping for breath.
The point of all this rambling is, I'm DONE trying to please other people. I'm a really great person. I give my all to every one of my relationships and I do it because that's what I want to do. I enjoy bringing happiness to other people. If it's telling a joke (I'm bad at those ha!), cleaning their home so when they come home from a long day at work, cleaning is the last thing they have to worry about, or sharing a positive quote I found because I think it's something they need to hear.
Life is short, and we only get to live this one once. Either we can spend our days worrying about walking out our front doors, worrying about hurting someone's feelings; or, we can have fun.
LIVE. ENJOY. BREATH.
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